Summary: The Vulcan sense of timing does not work in Tuvok's favour.
Characters: Tuvok, Janeway, Chakotay
Disclaimer: Utter smart-assery. I'd think Paramount would be far too embarrassed to claim it, but then again, they did make Threshold.
Notes: This is what happens when you read far, far too many J/C PWPs and get a little punchy.
Part 5: Shore Leave
Crewman Tuvok carefully observed the segment of hull he was degaussing with his toothbrush and tapped his commbadge, reflecting irrelevantly on how cumbersome the action was in his EVA suit. “Captain,” he Vulcaned, “I am detecting a build-up of ridiculogenic particles on the primary hull.”
There was a twelve second delay before the Captain responded, sounding slightly breathless. ~Tuvok? I’m on shore leave. Didn’t I tell you only to contact me in case of dire emergency?~
“Yes, Captain. I am following that directive. The likelihood of this phenomenon occurring is approximately point zero eight three percent. I suspect the Klkhztx are attempting to sabotage Voyager.”
He heard a scuffling sound, tense whispering and a sigh from the other end of the comm line, and finally Janeway responded, her voice dripping with exaggerated patience. ~Very well, Crewman. Meet me in my ready room in fifteen minutes.~
“Understood,” answered Tuvok, wondering how in the fires of Vulcan he was supposed to spacewalk his way over to the hatch, remove his environmental suit, change into his uniform and report to the ready room in fourteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds.
~This had better be good.~
Down on the planet, Captain Janeway batted her first officer’s hands away as she tried to refasten her bra. “You’re not helping, Chakotay,” she hissed.
How on earth does this keep happening? she wondered dismally. She’d invited Chakotay to her room for a simple, friendly dinner, she’d passed him a glass of wine and the next thing she knew, she was in his lap on the couch, grinding against him with his hands wandering over her body. Janeway shook her head violently.
Chakotay sighed and sat back on the couch. Things had been going so well – he’d almost got his captain’s clothes off this time. “It’s like that damn Vulcan is telepathic,” he grumbled.
His would-be lover sent him an incredulous look. It’s a good thing I don’t keep him around for his brains, she thought. She stood, pulling on her jacket, and faced him. “Commander, this can’t continue. As captain, I can’t have an intimate relationship with a member of my crew.”
Chakotay leapt to his feet. “Damn it, Kathryn! Stop toying with me!” In two long strides he was in front of her, gripping her arms. “I love you, and your precious protocols are never going to change that,” he said forcefully, and kissed her.
Oh, my, she thought as she succumbed to his kiss. There’s my Angry Warrior. I do so like it when he comes out to play.
But with a supreme effort, she wrenched away. “We can’t do this, Chakotay! I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately. Ever since we encountered the Klkhztx …” She broke off, eyes widening. “Oh my God, that’s it! I’ve been under an alien influence! I bet they’ve been pumping up my hormone levels or something!”
Her first officer stared at her. “Yes, that must be it. Alien hormone spores. It can’t be anything to do with you being in love with me.”
“I’m not –” she started, then looked away. I can’t deny it, she thought sadly. But this can’t happen again, not while we’re in the Delta quadrant. I’ll just have to sublimate my sexual desires until we get home. Maybe more coffee will help.
Looking at him, she mentally revised that. A lot more coffee.
“I have to go,” she mumbled, and tapped her commbadge. “Janeway to Voyager. Beam me up.”
The last thing she saw as she dematerialised was Chakotay reaching out as if to touch her again, his face a mask of pain. And it’s all my fault, she reflected miserably. She’d heard blue balls could be agonising.
“Report, Crewman,” she said briskly when she was seated behind her ready room desk, Tuvok standing before her.
“I have analysed the particles and determined that they began accumulating on the hull shortly after we encountered the Klkhztx scout vessel,” he replied.
Janeway briefly wondered how he’d found time to do that, but brushed it off as Vulcan efficiency.
Tuvok went on, “The ridiculogenic particles are having a destabilising effect on hull integrity. Should they continue to accrue, we will be at risk of a major hull breach. I no longer believe this is an act of sabotage. However, under the circumstances I recommend cutting short our association with the Klkhztx.”
“Anything else?” Janeway asked hopefully.
“I am uncertain what you mean, Captain.”
“I mean are they having any other effects? On the crew, perhaps? Could they be interfering with our…” She paused, trying to phrase it delicately. “Our emotional equilibrium?”
Tuvok raised an eyebrow. “I have not detected any such effects. I could investigate further.”
“Please do.” Janeway got up and went to the replicator for another coffee.
“May I enquire as to the motivation behind your request?”
The captain sighed. “It’s just a feeling, Tuvok. I’ve been a little … out of control lately.”
“If you are referring to your heavy petting episodes with the Commander, allow me to address your concerns. You have been in love with him for several years now. It is clear that he returns those feelings. Your physical desire for each other has nothing to do with any outside influence.”
Janeway went white, then red, then white again. “Tuvok!”
“I apologise for intruding on your personal life, Captain. However, the entire crew is aware of your feelings for each other and have no objection to your pursuing them. Nor do I object. In fact, nor does Starfleet Command. I requested their advice on this matter in the last communication with Earth.”
Janeway gripped the back of her chair. “And what did they say?”
“Their exact response was: ‘Advise Captain Janeway that she is not a nun and that under Voyager’s unique circumstances, standard fraternisation protocols cannot be expected to apply’.”
The captain’s eyes filled with tears. “They said that? Really?”
“Vulcans do not lie, Captain.” Unless it serves logic to do so, he added privately.
Janeway swallowed hard. Somewhat shakily, she said, “Continue your analysis of the hull particles, Mr Tuvok. I’m returning to the planet’s surface. Please contact me when you have an update.”
Tuvok nodded. “I will do as you ask, Captain. You may expect my report in …” he paused, running some mental calculations that had nothing to do with particle analysis and everything to do with human mating rituals, “approximately four hours.”
Plenty of time, Janeway thought gleefully. At least, for starters…
Several minutes later, she rematerialised in the living area of the little beachside cabin she’d reserved on the Klkhztx homeworld. Her XO was still sitting on the couch, head in hands.
“Chakotay,” she said softly.
He looked up.
“Kathryn?” he asked hopefully.
She held out her hand and he stood to take it.
“Parameters be damned,” she said, and leapt into his arms.
Six hours later, a very sated captain turned to smile at the Vulcan entering the bridge.
“Welcome home, Tuvok.” She indicated the tactical console. “Take your station. We’ll be leaving orbit shortly.”
Tuvok noticed a small box on his console. He opened it. Inside were two solid pips and one hollow. He reaffixed them to his collar.
“Thank you, Captain,” he said emphatically. Janeway smiled again and turned to face front.
Lieutenant Commander Tuvok allowed himself a brief and extremely un-Vulcan reflection that he liked his captain much better when she was sexually satisfied.
He fervently hoped that Commander Chakotay was up to the task of keeping her that way for the next few decades.