PADDemonium

Summary: Paris and Janeway prove that people just can't hold their liquor in the 24th century.

 

Characters: Janeway, Paris, Chakotay, Torres, Kim, Tuvok, EMH, Kes, Neelix

Codes: Janeway/Paris, Chakotay/Torres, Kim/f

 

Disclaimer: 'Tis of Paramount importance that my reader understand that I've borrowed temporarily these folks from TV land. I promise I will put them back when they have had their fun, and I'm making nothing out of this, so don't sue - no harm done!

 

Notes: Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your tongue firmly in your cheek.

Rated M

Part 1: Merry Christmas

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 07:32

SUBJECT: Improper conduct

Tom,

Much as we all appreciate your high spirits and attempts to boost crew morale, I think even you will agree that your behaviour at last night's Christmas party in the mess hall was inappropriate. Spiking the cranberry sauce with replicated jalapeno chillies is not only a waste of energy resources but also led to a spate of minor medical emergencies. The Doctor has already reported to me at length on this issue.

The illustrated lecture on Bolian lavatorial functions was also neither necessary nor in good taste.

Your replicator and holodeck privileges are hereby confiscated for a period of one week. You will report to the mess hall at 0900 hours today to help Neelix with Operation Clean-up and then take your regular Sickbay shift beginning at 1300 hours. Any future transgressions will earn you double shifts in Sickbay and remove you from helm duty for one month. Consider yourself warned.

K Janeway, unamused

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 07:44

SUBJECT: FW: Improper conduct
ATTACHED: reprimand.txt

Harry . what the hell happened last night?

Yours in suffering, Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 07:46

SUBJECT: You've really done it this time

Tom, will you ever learn? Last Christmas you pulled Tuvok's ears, did a bump-and-grind striptease with Jenny Delaney and passed out at the Captain's feet. I told you not to drink the egg-nog, but do you ever listen to me?

I guess Neelix must have hidden your 'Nude Starship Captain' cheesecake sculpture before she saw it or you'd be in the brig right now.

I don't know you.

Harry, who may never be promoted, but would prefer to keep his commission

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
CC:
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 08:01

SUBJECT: Grounded?

Paris,

On behalf of the entire staff of Engineering I would like to present you with this First Annual USS Voyager Award for Inappropriate But Highly Amusing Behaviour, or the 'Dummy' as Nicoletti insists on calling it. She said you'd get the 20th century reference. You can collect your commemorative Dummy statuette from Engineering at your convenience.

Thanks Tom, you sure know how to make the rest of us feel better about our behaviour :)

B'Elanna

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 08:09

SUBJECT: You have to help me!

Harry, I'm going mad. Everyone's laughing at me and I can't remember a thing. Please come by my quarters and tell me what happened so at least I know what to expect!

Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 08:16

SUBJECT: Christmas (High) Tidings

Chakotay, where did you disappear to last night? You missed all the fun. Do you know how hard it was to keep a straight face when Tom pulled that stunt with the sausage, the balloon, and Tuvok's ceremonial robe? I had to pretend I'd been called to the bridge so I could leave the room.

Can't wait for Neelix's New Year bash. Be my date for the evening?

K.

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 08:22

SUBJECT: A very merry Christmas indeed

Kathryn,

Sorry for skipping out, I had a stack of reports to finish. Glad to hear you had a good time.

Re: NYE - I'd love to. :)

C.

PS. I didn't realise Tom had such artistic talent. That cheesecake sculpture was the hit of the evening.

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 08:24

SUBJECT: Artistry

Cheesecake sculpture?

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 09:10

SUBJECT: Dummy Award

B'Elanna,

I've just spent the last hour assuring Tom that everyone's laughing with him, not at him, that Captain Janeway will eventually forgive him, and that this'll all be forgotten before the next spatial anomaly anyway. Your 'award' didn't help. For my sake, could you please refrain from rubbing his nose in it further?

Harry

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 09:17

SUBJECT: Where's your sense of humour, Harry?

Paris deserves everything he gets. And I'm going to see that he gets it. :)

B

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8
DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
CC: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 09:22

SUBJECT: Security Report
ATTACHED: report.rpt

Captain, Commander,

Please find attached my weekly security report.

No doubt you will find that the number of missing or damaged items and systems has almost trebled since last week's report. I believe I can assure you that this was due almost entirely to Mr Neelix's inventive social occasion last night and is unlikely to be repeated, provided Lt. Paris is forbidden from partaking in egg-nog for the foreseeable future.

I will be available to discuss the report and its potential ramifications should you wish to do so.

Tuvok

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 09:29

SUBJECT: RE: Security Report

Tuvok,

I think we can postpone the floggings for now and chalk it up to holiday fever. I'm sure everyone you've named in your report is suitably apologetic. Mr Paris certainly is.

By the way, what's this I hear about a cheesecake sculpture? Chakotay won't tell me the full story.

K

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8
DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 09:40

SUBJECT: RE: Security Report

Captain,

I am aware of the item you mentioned but would suggest you continue your attempts to extract further details from the Commander. You may, of course, order me to tell you, but I would prefer that you didn't.

Tuvok

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
CC: Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma-rho-7-1-2
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 10:02

SUBJECT: Bump n' grind

Hey Tom,

So how come we didn't repeat last year's performance? Aren't I good enough for you anymore? (sob)

Aiming a bit high with the Captain, aren't we? ;)

Jenny

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma-rho-7-1-2
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
CC: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 10:04

SUBJECT: Jenny

Tom,

Don't pay any attention to Jenny, she's just trying to get a rise out of you.

I thought the sculpture was lovely. I'm sure the Captain was flattered.

Meg :)

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon; Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma-rho-7-1-2
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 10:09

SUBJECT: Art imitates life?

Of course I was trying to get a 'rise' out of you (snicker, snicker).

So tell me... just how accurate was that sculpture? Was it an exact scale model? Which begs the question ... how did YOU know!?

Jenny

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2; Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma- rho-7-1-2
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 10:14

SUBJECT: Malicia and Demonica

Both of you. Please. Leave. Me. Alone.

I beg you.

Captain Proton

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 10:15

SUBJECT: OK?

How's mess hall duty?

We still on for Episode 12: The Tunnel of Time? I've got the holodeck booked for 1800 hours. Kes is going to play Constance Goodheart.

Your partner in crimebusting, Buster Kincaid

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 10:20

SUBJECT: Tunnel of Time

Sorry Buster. My holodeck privileges were canned, remember? You'll have to save the universe without me.

If you can manage to turn back time 24 hours for real, I'll give you Captain Proton's rocket pack. Forever.

'Crewman' Proton

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 12:28

SUBJECT: Progress report

Captain,

I've scrubbed the mess hall from wall to wall, helped Neelix prepare lunch and scoured seventeen pots. Should I report to Sickbay?

Yours in self-abasement,

Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Med. Asst. Kes, 7-3-omikron-4
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 12:50

SUBJECT: Sickbay duties
ATTACHED: roster.doc

Hi Tom,

The Captain asked me to prepare a roster for your sickbay duties for the coming week (see attached). The Doctor wants you to start by cataloguing the cell cultures in storage cabinet B and then recalibrate the bio-bed readout monitors. What did you do last night, anyway!?

See you soon
Kes

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:12

SUBJECT: Medical emergency

Harry, do me a favour and cut your finger or something, would you? I'm going stir crazy down here. The Doctor's standing over me criticising everything I do. He won't even let me talk to Kes. I've been here for over two hours labelling cell samples. If I don't see a friendly face soon, I'll accidentally switch the Tarkalian flu antibody with the Vidiian phage culture and then there'll be hell to pay, won't there?

Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:20

SUBJECT: No can do

Sorry Tom, we just detected a Kazon ship on long range sensors. Red alert, gotta go!

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:21

SUBJECT: Red alert!?

Harry, what the hell is going on!?

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Michael Ayala, 2-2-theta-1-nu
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:23

SUBJECT: Bridge operations?

Ayala, are you on duty? Who's at the helm? What's happening?

Paris

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Michael Ayala, 2-2-theta-1-nu
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:26

SUBJECT: Busy

Yes. Batehart. Kazon attack. Sorry Tom, can't talk right now.

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Pablo Batehart, tau-5-7-omega
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:26

SUBJECT: Don't get too comfy, helmboy

You call those evasive maneuvres? ;)

Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:27

SUBJECT: Is my presence required?

Commander,

I couldn't help but notice that we seem to be under attack, and much as I respect Ensign Batehart's piloting skills, your best pilot is currently languishing in Sickbay. Naturally, my only concern is with the safety of ship and crew, which is why I'm offering to take over helm duty immediately...?

Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 15:32

SUBJECT: Stay right where you are, Tom

Batehart has it under control. You're needed in Sickbay to assist with incoming patients. As you're concerned only with the safety of ship and crew, I'm sure you'll agree that this is a much more efficient use of your skills.

Chakotay

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 17:14

SUBJECT: A sumptuous repast

Hello Tom,

Thanks for your help earlier. If it hadn't been for you, lunch would have been served on dirty plates!

Considering you were the life of the party last night, I was hoping to get your insights on the New Year's Eve party on Thursday. I've planned the food and drink (there'll be plenty of that egg-nog you seemed so fond of) but the décor and entertainment seem to be your forté. Could you drop by the mess hall later so we can come up with a few ideas?

Thanks, Neelix

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 17:20

SUBJECT: Egg-nog, party favours and baked brain of Neelix

Neelix,

Very funny. Did Jenny Delaney put you up to that?

Tom

PS. Some people have been spreading some vicious rumours about a certain dessert-based artwork. Should said vicious rumours prove true, and said artwork be viewed by She Who Must Be Obeyed, you can rest assured that the décor at the New Year's Eve party will prominently feature a piece of installation art entitled "Talaxian, Disembowelled".

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 18:25

SUBJECT: Enough... please!

Every time somebody enters Sickbay the Doctor starts singing an obscene version of "I Love Paris". I know you re-programmed him. What I really want to know is, who rewrote the lyrics?

Don't you think this is all a bit childish?

Tom

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 18:29

SUBJECT: Not guilty!

Much as I'd love to claim credit, it wasn't me, Tom. However you can rest assured I will uncover the identity of the culprit. And see that he or she is rewarded accordingly!

As for childish ... well, I guess you'd know :)

B'Elanna

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 18:44

SUBJECT: %#@*!!!!

B'Elanna,

Since 1500 hours I have treated minor lacerations, non-existent headaches and imaginary upset stomachs for the entire Engineering crew. It's nice that you're giving them so much free time, but do you think you could keep them out of Sickbay for the rest of the evening? The Doctor is enjoying his new role as the Singing Hologram about as much as I am.

I'd hate to have to report this to Commander Chakotay.

Paris

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Chief Medical Officer, 1-1-kappa-theta-1
DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 18:48

SUBJECT: Alterations to my program

Commander,

I would like to report an act of sabotage.

An unauthorised alteration has recently been made to my program, with the result that each time the Sickbay doors open I find myself serenading Lt. Paris with a, shall we say, titillating version of the twentieth-century song "I Love Paris". Much hilarity, naturally, ensues for all concerned except for myself and Mr Paris.

I can inform you that said alteration occurred sometime between my last deactivation at 16:22 and my subsequent reactivation at 17:30. I have been unable to determine the identity of the saboteur. However I have the utmost confidence in your ability to track down the offender and see that he or she is suitably chastised.

The Doctor

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
DISTRIBUTION:
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:03

SUBJECT: Misuse of ship's resources

It has come to my attention that the Doctor's program has recently been altered, by person or persons unknown, apparently for the purpose of increasing Mr Paris' misery.

You should all be aware that the penalty for interfering with the ship's systems is the confiscation of off-duty privileges for a period to be determined by the ship's First Officer. Furthermore, although the Doctor's ability to perform his medical functions has not been compromised, the inconvenience caused should be taken into consideration.

If the program alterations are reversed immediately, I see no reason to investigate further. However, if the Doctor is not restored to his former condition by 2000 hours, I will have no choice but to conduct an investigation, which could lead to severely curtailed privileges for those involved.

Commander Chakotay

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:25

SUBJECT: Dinner?

Are we still on?

C

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:28

SUBJECT: RE: Dinner?

Only if you tell me who reprogrammed the Doctor.

Be in my quarters at 2100 hours sharp, bearing a nice bottle of red and a good story to tell.

K :)

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6; Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:29

SUBJECT: Time’s running out

You two have half an hour to undo your creative programming. Or, on the off-chance that you aren't the culprits, find them fast. I think poor Tom's suffered enough for one day.

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:32

SUBJECT: Leave me out of it next time!

B'Elanna, for God's sake, are you trying to give me heart failure? Now Chakotay thinks this is my fault, and Tom's going to kill me.

Harry, tearing his hair out

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:35

SUBJECT: Maligned at every turn!

First Tom thinks I did it, then Chakotay, and now you - I swear by the blood of Kahless that I'm innocent! None of my staff did it either, though they've been happy enough to skive off to Sickbay on the flimsiest excuse. Even Jenny Delaney swears she didn't do it, and I believe her. I scared her enough.

Sorry Harry, I'm stumped, and I don't have time to try to fix it myself. You'll have to do it.

B

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:41

SUBJECT: Someone's going to pay

I can't fix it. Tuvok has his gimlet eye on me. I can't leave my post, and I can't fix it from here. Guess you and I will be dining in the mess hall tonight.

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8
DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 19:59

SUBJECT: Status of the Emergency Medical Holographic Program

Captain,

I assumed you would want to know that the Doctor's program has been repaired. The perpetrator apparently chose to repair the altered files in preference to initiating a ship-wide investigation into this act of sabotage. On Commander Chakotay's authorisation, the matter shall be taken no further.

For future reference, I would suggest that the next time you feel the need to play a practical joke, you ensure that your security code is adequately hidden. I confess it did require considerable effort on my part; however, I was eventually able to identify you as the guilty party.

Tuvok

_____________________________________________________________
AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3
DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8
SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372
TIME: 20:04

SUBJECT: Congratulations

Tuvok,

Once again you exceed my expectations. I was sure it would take you at least three hours to find my security code.

It's good to know that nothing much gets by my Chief Tactical Officer.

Thanks for keeping my guilty little secret.

K :)